1) Courage- My Reflection

Entry #1 for self-discovery

If I told you that the reason why I'm choosing to type this online was to start a discussion,would you believe me? Neither would i. I just want to get out my thoughts on what I've thought about so far for the book "Big Magic: Courage Living Beyond Fear" and I do have to admit that at first, I thought this would help inspire me to write as one of those "HEY! I'LL SHOW YOU A WAY TO REMOVE YOUR WRITERS BLOCK YOU ARE CURRENTLY GOING THROUGH RIGHT NOW SINCE CLEARLY NOTHING ELSE IS WORKING AND THIS IS YOUR LAST RESORT TO SPEND MONEY ON AN ITEM THAT MAY NOT WORK" books but I was wrong. This book is about self-discovery and Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of Eat,Pray,Love states that very clearly. I was intrigued because I had never bought an item that would help me bring back what I had felt like I had lost and this book CAN actually do that,however, I'll be testing that out for myself through this written series.

If one person read this or many people read this and want to give it a go with me, I highly encourage it.
This Post may be a long one,please prepare yourselves.

  My fear is unoriginal,what I fear is unoriginal. to fear darkness,strangers,spiders,clowns and anything else around the same level. In the world of harry potter during your third year you learn to confront and face your fears in defence against the dark arts using the spell and/or charm Riddikulus to turn something terribly negative,what you fear or your boggart into something positive. 
It's strange that after learning a few short essays in the "Big Magic" book can change your perspective on what seems so big at the time,It's a nudge to unlock your potential that's hidden away from yourself in order to fit into today's roles and standards of society. Well, guess what? Screw that! We shouldn't have to fit into the roles we're given and the unnecessarily high standards regardless of our age,gender,sexuality and everything else in between. 
I want to rediscover what I do have with the courage I now know had always existed and what I'm gaining along the way from this quest for our inner-self treasure (and hopefully a way to beat writers block while we're at it!) 
Fear is boring,but my fears are unoriginal.
What are your fears? Do you consider them to be original?
Leave a comment and share this post with your friends if you feel like you've gained anything or felt related to in any way and discuss.
Final Thoughts: Fear is good to have and it can be useful which is why it's instilled in us. Learning to live with it is another subject, though.
Creativity follows you wherever you head so, fear follows.
Like Elizabeth Gilbert wrote in the letter to her fear is that Fear is not allowed to help make decisions or control your life,you can have your voice heard as well as a place in this family of ours but you will not be the deciding factor in whether I do this thing,that thing or anything else. 
Let's get ourselves back to who we were and let's get back to writing once again before we were put in boxes,chained and dealt with those terrible trials and hurdles in order to get to how we are and relearn who we are today. 

  

Not So Sweet

Not So Sweet

a slam poem by Lindsay R.

"i'm a sweet girl who's going through alot right now. but Im willing to help with anyone's problems."

Let me explain a few things dearie, what you heard is clearly different from what you're hearing. 

You are not a sweet girl- you are the girl who cried pregnant about a million times throughout high school 

you're a compulsive liar who can't even keep a steady goal unless forced to.

and I'm sure you are going through a lot right now,no don't doubt about it in my mind

 not even the slimmest percentage.

Coming from the girl who just cried and constantly spread lies about others you claim to know but just used for your own selfish purposes.

You didn't have many friends and yet you were still popular around both parts of school

despite the rumors I still thought you were cool. I gave you the benefit of the doubt and you proved those rumors to be right. When you refused to go to the cops when you were raped 

by Chris, the man who lied about his age and two children to you. 

The man who torn your clothes apart and knocked on my door in tears that hot summer day.

You didn't give yourself a chance to any treatment at all to recover from the emotional trauma you may have had or actually do have. 

your parents are well off financially,they have the money to provide you help. 

you couldn't have had a normal conversation with them explaining what was going on. Don't you know that a mother always believes their child who said they were raped and abused sexually?

You refused to help yourself once again,but this time in the past,without self-respect and your whore ways

you could have had a better life for yourself. 

You had so many options,so many opportunities.

I realize you were just saying that to push those who want you to be at your best away.

You say that I'm the liar,but you had claimed to be domestically abused 

by a childhood mutual friend of ours and my brother.

There wasn't any evidence. But you constantly worried me so.

When I started distancing myself from you that's when I began to grow.

Observing your terrible choices and decisions as well as the consequences that came,

I am glad that my life has changed.

From a girl who can't accept help when she knows she truly needs it and lies compulsively.

Anyone who trusts you,your child who has to grow up with you.

will. be ashamed.

This is the girl who cried pregnant to one of the only honest few friends she had,claiming I've lied before

when you know I haven't.

have I held my breath?

Yes.

Have I lied?

No.

to the girl who cried pregnant, if you needed help up from a crumbling bridge

specifically the one on the rusted train tracks and unsturdied metal.

I wouldn't reach out my hand as you beg for mercy

because if i did you would personally be lying breathless inside a hearse on your way to New Jersey.

you say your brother and father had sexually abused you and that could be true, coming from the girl who cried pregnant but "She tends to lie a lot" what do I know?

i know that the girl who cried pregnant is an emotional abuser.

She  is a sociopathic User.

I beg you to stay away from her to prevent yourself from this scenario or she'll be spreading lies about you or someone you know.

the girl who cried pregnant Carrie Ann Beimler is a lie.

she claim's I want attention?

but I wouldn't give two shits if she died.

R.I.P Severus

Alan Rickman was a wonderful man,actor,husband and a plentiful amount of characters,however I know him as the actor whom had portrayed Severus Snape from J.K.Rowlings children's novel series Harry Potter.

His death was announced earlier today that he had passed from cancer at the age of 69. 

'69' is known as a cursed age to most of the entertainment industry, David Bowie who had passed yesterday 1/13/16 is another example of the cursed age. 

Update: I've mixed up the ages. I was thinking about the 27 club but that doesn't mean that the 69 death club will be shutting its doors. This may end up being the modern 27 club.

Halfway through the battle,First step into the war

My heart feels tingly,not the kind when you like someone or your on the highway heading towards disneyland or disney world but the kind of tingle where you have a bad feeling with yourself.

Although i know i'm probably over-reacting stupidly because i have emotions and i've pretty much had trouble falling asleep last night by forgetting to take my medicine and staying up all day; I can't help but feel fear.

I will openly admit i'm scared,stressed and overwhelmed.

I'm pretty no extremely worried that my crush will like someone else and want to form a relationship with them and although i know that wont happen,i don't exactly know for sure. I did expect the day to happen when Zero (We'll call him that) decides to have sex and that i'm completely 100% on its just,i know how relationships of friends-with-benefits turn into. you'll start missing what a real relationship is like and especially if you've never had one you could mix up the two.

For someone like me with trust issues,Anxiety and mild depression i struggle with every day life because i know that life can just throw a fast ball at you when you're not expecting it. Its just if the power happens to go out while your printing out an important paper. Its scary but you can't help but panic.

For this anxiousness,worry and fear its coming from within me and i realize that,i know i'm scared of getting hurt again and i keep thinking there's nothing i can do. Zero can gladly have sex because its just sex but i fear it will develop into something more.

My heart calmed down after i wrote that,i feel much better now.

Thanks for reading if you did read all of this non-sense.

Have a cookie.

Imaginary Friend Letter #1- To Casper,With Love

Dear Casper,

I know you think i abandoned you when i didn't,i've been stuck,trapped and isolated from the isles of imagination for almost a full month now and i really could use your help. From your Deep Brown Hair and sea green eyes.I know it sounds weird to call upon you and summon you so randomly; Especially since i know you're in hawaii trying to help out your new friend Ellie. How's that going along anyway?
Apparently one of my friends,Lyudmila,the one from russia knows how to fly,the first thing you do is run off of a cliff,after that you have to scream "Yolt" its supposed to prevent you from dying. But if you scream and jump off a cliff how does it prevent you from dying just from screaming a special word? I don't think we'll ever know the answer but i am trying to retrieve this suspicious secret,Investigations are currently undergoing on for this sexy russian secret agent.

I was also wondering,If you could create a whole new world one sort of similar to adam and eve and the (Maybe) beginning of time what would it be like? The whole reason why i'm asking is because i've recently started watching this new reality show,I know "What? You? Watching a reality show?" its not a normal thing for me to do but then again neither is watching project runway and starting a pinterest. I've decided to give both some old and new things a try considering how i am going to be dating a handsome MO-FO Sometime in college and having different experiences. I've also realized how i grew up and matured thanks to an english assignment i still need to complete,and its actually a really depressing story. I'll tell you that story another time although i'm sure you already know it;you are a figment of my imagination after all.
I'd like to hear what you think about it and how your Utopia would be and look like.

Until i summon my dear fallen angel again,
To Casper,
With love,
Rin/Saouri/Lindsay.

Write S for murder-a short story/first assignment for creative writing.

(This was written over a year ago so now I'm editing and rewriting the story. This is the first part of the three.)

Today in class we had to bring in an object for some reason but since i missed the first day i ended up getting a hat so basically what we had to do was write some type of story with words even if its in poetry but i didn't do that. so alas,here is what i wrote,using a notebook as my object.

I used to write in a notebook once back when i studied journalism in university,it was back when I,Alfie Dejg first met Sophia Kent.Her hair was as light as creamed coffee and her love for animals especially guinea pigs was genuine.Our relationship turned into friendship when we had to cover a story that was in the cold case department which means closed cases that no longer active for some reason. It was a sudden surprise when the other kids would stare at her, as if they've seen her more then once. 

When we opened the file to our assignment,Sophia's jaw dropped into her worst nightmare.

"Whats wrong Sophia?" I asked with concern.

"Oh,just this is the case of..." Her words struggled,voice shook and seeped in pain.

"Its okay. You don't have to tell me." i told her hoping she would calm down. I put my hand on her shoulder;she hid herself in between the desk and her arms.

My stomach rumbled. It was time for lunch break,i tapped her shoulder.

"Hey Sophia? Its lunch time. Maybe i can buy you something to eat to help you feel better?" I asked.

Sophia nodded  her head in a yes gesture. "okay come on." I helped her up out of her chair. I knew she was sensitive and it felt like all my fault for causing her to feel this way.
We continued to make our way through the halls,past the cafeteria and out into the parking lot where we walked up to my old 2006 black Chevrolet suburban.
"Hey Sophia,is there anything you like specifically?" I asked softly.
She stayed quiet for a period of time while i drove to McDonald's the next town over;the closer we got there the more relaxed Sophia became.
"Hey Alfie..." She began her sentence in a slight whisper "I'm sorry for what had happened earlier it wasn't your fault at all. Its just the cold case we're doing a report on involves my late younger brother." She took a deep breath and awaited my reply.
"Oh,no-no it's okay it was my fault i shouldn't have asked if i'd known the topic would upset you so much earlier." I insisted.
"Oh. Thank you." Sophia smiled slightly "I'm willing to tell you what happened if you still want to know." She suggested.
I pulled into the parking lot and parked the car,the click of our seat belts unbuckling broke the ice.
"I do,but only if your really okay with it." I insisted again.
"Okay" She sighed taking a deep breath and began describing her point of view on the Kidnapping and Murder of Travis Kent,her younger brother.

"Back when i was in early middle school around seventh grade,my parents left for the weekend leaving my brother and i alone in the house. We lived in a safe neighborhood,so they let the newlywed neighbors check up on us while they were away. They gave them a copy of the house key." She explained the context of what she was told before school that day.

"When i got home from school that Friday afternoon i told my 8 year old brother that he could go to his friends house right from school. we Lived around the corner from the school and his friend,Jerrod lived right next to us at the time." Sophia stopped to catch her breath for a moment;
"So how did your brother get kidnapped if he was so close to your house,and what about your parents?" I asked."

The story that she was telling me seemed off, what she was saying didn't match up with the facts the policemen had found in her home. 

.

The Act of A Lie

Lying.

We all know what it is,Some of us prefer to call it as "Fibbing" or call it "Stretching the Truth"

but when someone lies to you; it really makes you question the trust you have in your relationship and if what their really saying is true or not.

Recently i lost a friend from a lie,I will not say any names but lets just say this common name after Richard isn't the only name that means dick. Its great to lie if your helping a friend out and you need to get to their ex boy/girlfriend breaks up with them for no reason or if you have a stalker and need help then its okay to lie. Although if you have a stalker please notify the police right away i don't want you in any danger while your reading this or if you feel unsafe in the comforts of your own home where you see a dangerous balding man with a gun or something.

Back to what happened,when you notice someone is avoiding you for no reason at all you have to say something and try to sort it out or else you'll end up blaming yourself and stood so low as to not wanting to exist,i know i did that. I had a rough Tuesday-Wednesday night. Yesterday i thought i would see if i could help for the party they were having,he didn't write down it was 18+ and so i was all right with that. Not angry,just upset he didn't put that earlier. So then i asked if they could come to the Hindu India festival in Hartford (A common area) They said they'd go to because it sounded like fun (Which it is) So i went to ask again and this time they said they had to go to a family reunion and couldn't make it. Which i didnt find suspicious at all during that time because i was clearly tired from walking on the trail and to the park in my town.

Until,This morning at 11am i wake up from a cupcake incident and laugh about it so after that, i go check my email and what do i see? A comment on the community group i'm in. So here i am,thinking he has a family reunion..this doesn't make any sense at all.But why does it sound familiar and why does it say their going to Bristol around that time,I thought at first that he wouldn't lie to me and then it hit me; He would lie. He has used this lie before to get out of going to the mall with my friend jahnel and her boyfriend a.k.a. my uncle (Long story short: My grandpa couldn't keep it in his pants and ended up marrying a nice woman who's my step grandmother. My real grandmother is unmarried from my dad's side) 

Back to the story,I finally connect why it sounded so familiar, They've used it before! I wanted to give him a fair chance to tell the truth so i texted him and asked him what time the reunion started and ended,i then replied by giving the times of that event in bristol. So later on,i get a reply stating that its an all afternoon thing. So i say "2 hours to drive down to bristol and stay until 5pm when you get there?" He then responds with lies. I try to hint him that i know whats going on,Then out of nowhere BAM! HE TYPES LIKE A PYSCHOPATH AND SCARES THE SHIT OUT OF ME WITH HIS LANGUAGE. THAT WAS UNCALLED FOR! 

He claimed that some BS happened between us What BS? i ask. No respond. Its not like he WAS in love with me and its not my fault i didnt want to date him and HE ruined any potential friendship we had left. I gave him a chance to tell the truth before it was too late,Yet he thought the lie was worth it.

Do you really think I'm stupid enough to just let this type of thing go?

Do you really think i wouldnt think about it or check the message boards?

Why couldnt you just tell the truth? Whats so hard about that?

This is why he will NEVER get a girlfriend.

Ladies,stay away from this one!

Lying hurts,Don't do it.

Just be Honest.

In the end,i was saddened today and it made me depressed. So thats what had happened this week!

The act of a lie is so much worse then you think and could hurt many in the process,This is one of the reasons why i have trust issues.

~Thanks for reading~